I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
in which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close
I guess I'm the only one who updates anymore/even has a vox anymore. Oh well.
I think all those years that my mom would just give me money or take me out shopping when I went through breakups or when I'm depressed has really caused a problem.
When I'm not happy, all I want to do is spend all my money on trivial things. Things that don't really mean anything, but make me feel good because they're mine. It really sucks working in retail because I sit there and plan the things that I want to buy when I'm upset or stressed.
Right now I'm shopping for clothes online. Haven't bought anything yet, probably won't, but the fact that I always go back to this bothers me at this moment...
So, a bunch has happened.
My 21st birthday came and went, and I got traaaashed at Foxwoods. Had Billy pretend to be my boyfriend because I didn't want to deal with dudes that night. My dress ended up being wayyy shorter than I remembered, sooo I think I showed a little bit too much that night and got too much attention. In the wrong way. Haha, oh well. Puked my brains out, apparently, but I was too drunk to remember. What an awwwwful next day I had. But Liss took care of me and got me awesome presents! She's the bestest.
My sister ran away with her boyfriend almost 2 weeks ago now, and who knows what the hell they're up to. My sister called the cops and almost had my mom arrested and now she's on the loose somewhere. I don't know when she'll grow up and mature but hopefully it's soon because she's hurting everyone's feelings on a daily basis. Not gonna lie, as much as I miss my sister, the house has been so much calmer. It's nice. Boring, but nice I guess. My mom has actually been out of her room. And not just for food or the bathroom. I still hope my estranged sister will come back because it kind of sucks not talking to someone who you should be best friends with. But I'm so glad my parents finally see how icky her boyfriend is.
Um, school has me uber stressed out. I have no days off and I work 3 days on the weekend. So I basically never get a day to myself. Stefano, a guy I work with has been so nice about it though, and is offering to cover some of my hours so I can de-stress myself. I'm so glad there are nice people out there. I EFFING HATE MY CHEM CLASS. I have the dumbest lab partner and my teacher is older than dinosaurs. :C
Lyn got me XBL so Left 4 Dead has basically been my life for the past few days. Yayyy.
I hope you two both know just how much I utterly and enthusiastically hate you.
Stay the fuck away from me.
If you woke up one morning and realized you were all-powerful, what is the first thing you would do?
Submitted by loveless.This is Ryan's QotD!!
Anyway, if I woke up all-powerful, the first thing I would do would be to gather up a harem of the most attractive, celebrity men and have myself a sexy party.
Then I'd do something constructive like, end the war in Iraq or stop world hunger. You know, the basics.
Wow, I shouldn't have read my last post because now I miss Lucy again. Omg, when does it end?
Anywho, I figured I'd update on my life for all my stalkers out there who are just dyying to hear about it.
School starts very soon and I'm totes not looking forward to that. But my 21st birthday is coming up wicked soon, so if anyone is around they should probably go to Foxwoods on that day and give me a call. Because that's where I'll be. Drunk.
Speaking of drunk me, last night I got mad drunk yo off of wine and a game of Fuck You and a sexual game of Never-Have-I-Ever. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and they all get revealed in that game. Hahah hootchie.
Speaking of hootchie me, I also hooked up with one of my friends last night. Whoopsie. I'm sure I'll pay for that later somehow. I'm such a ho when there's drinks in me. I'm pretty sure I was hiding people's phones in my boobs. Like, wtf? Kill me. Please. Billy suddenly threw me over his shoulder and everyone got an eyefull of Christina Booty. Gaahd. Not a proud night. But you only turn 21 once, so I had my partying fun, but I'm not a big drinker so that's probably it for me for a while. Lest I be jumping all my guy friends. Jesus, what is wrong with me.
On a different topic. I met my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, aka the girl he dated after me, and I had a pretty good time. She's not at all who I had painted her in my mind as. I mean, I had very little to go off of, so I'm glad I got to know her for her and not for the fucked up situation we were all in.
I've also reconnected with someone who I was real close to a few years ago. He's a nice guy, so I'm happy we finally get to talk like before. I wish we could just hang out over a cup of coffee (well tea for me ^ ^) and just talk and be friends. But I'm always too idealistic and not enough realistic. He would never go for that. And maybe that's fine. I can't say I'd blame him.
Incoherent rambling................
I fucking need sleep because I got nooone last night. I was too busy being a big ho.
Goodnight.
I suppose I should update. I have nothing better to do.
I haven't been myself lately ever since Lucy disappeared. I just can't wrap my mind around it still. I find myself going outside to let Lucy in, forgetting that she is gone, and I find myself going to turn the sink faucet on for her to drink. I am just not used to not caring for her. I know it seems silly. Silly for someone to be so attached. But I suppose that's because she was never just a cat to me. I don't know, I suppose she was my companion. I couldn't do anything without her following me around and sitting with me. It also brought up deeper feelings that I haven't let myself face. I like to believe I'm fine all alone, having no one to get in my way, but when I felt like I was mourning my cat (life) I realized that I had no one to comfort me. I worry all this time that I no longer have anything to comfort and care for, but in reality there's no one there to comfort and care for me. And I'm surrounded by people who do have that and who don't let me forget it either. I just couldn't take it these past few weeks. It seems so childish but whatever the hell it is, it's what I'm dealing with now. I guess the simple answer is to find someone for myself, but after my last couple of relationships I'm just not sure I can handle that. I just want someone who makes a relationship effortless, kind of what me and one of my exes had, something that just fit. We may have lost it after some years, but I've grown. I think that's what it really came down to: growing up. We didn't get to have that. But now I'm all old and stuff (blah) so I know I can have it this time. haha, whatever, maybe that's a tall order. I'm sure I'll find that person. It just might take decades. Siiiiiigh.
School is on the horizon, I guess I'm pretty indifferent towards it this year. It'll be nice to see my friends at school, but I'm not that excited to have a lab, considering I already did one in high school and now must go through the pain again! Oh well...I'll do what I've got to do. This girl I work with is going to Framingham next semester and I had to break the news to her about how boring the campus is socially, haha. Poor girl. But I bet she'll like it regardless.
I'm going to listen to Team Sleep and hopefully get sleepy; Chino Moreno's voice just moves me. <3
I miss you, Lucy! Come home pwease. <3
What's the best compliment you've received lately?
Some people were complimenting my curves the other day. But I hates them! It is always so strange to me that one of the things I hate about myself is so attractive to others. I don't know. It's so ironic, I guess. Personally, I have been trying to lose my ass because I just really don't like it. But hey, if it keeps the guys coming (pun?) then I guess I shouldn't be that upset. (Flattery really will get you everywhere!)
Boston was tons of fun. I mean, I knew I was going to be put in an awkward position because I'm only 20, but I suppose it went better than I thought. The day wasn't about me, it was about Liss so I had to keep that in mind (and get her mad CRUNK!) so I tried to get past who was there or whatever. I think she liked the gifts I got her, and the booze of course, so that makes me happy. I feel like I owe her so much just for always being there and helping me out. I broke a shoe, too! My only good black heels are poopy now. :( But maybe that's a sign that I have to go shopping for more. :) :) :)
We went to the aquarium and I was soooo excited. I love animals/fishies. Zoos and aquariums are like a dream to me. I wish there weren't so many damn kids though. I friggin hate other peoples' kids. I told Liss that if I think I want kids, then she should kick me in the uterus. Because HOLY WOW. There were moms and kids kicking me and shoving and ugh.
I need to save now so I can get a new car. I had my fun and spent the money I could in boston. Now I need to be responsible!
I wish that I could be with someone that I can stand longer than 5 minutes at a time because lately I've been feeling very lonely. It seems like everyone I know is in some sort of committed relationship. I would never date anyone just to date someone, which I almost wish my standards weren't so high because damn. This sucks.
